Possessed Not Depressed
by Aretha Thomas
This is an extract from my self-help book which I will publish as soon as I find a job.
Cause of my protracted illness…(possession)
I worked out a few years ago that the sheer force of my mother’s envy eventually initiated a curse. I am quite sure she liked me up until about the age of 19 years, or until I had my first boyfriend at aged 20, then things changed; my 20th year was in 1997. Some years ago between 2008/09, my mother became so frustrated with my ‘illness’ that she said, “I’ve reversed the curse I put out, why aren’t you getting better?” with a confused look on her face. In that moment I was amazed and wondered what I had done to deserve being cursed? Maybe - Being born at the wrong time in her life? Having a good childhood (whilst she did not)? There could be any number of reasons, any number of reasons that could have caused a furious type of envy.
In her defence I feel confident to say, based on my experience, that my mother is interfered with by the unseen, to such an extent, this causes her to make very bad decisions often. Her ability to plan ahead is greatly impaired. And because she had no support throughout her childhood and early adult-life, I feel, her early trauma imprinted in her a sense of having no choice, a sense of powerlessness, forever a victim. Unfortunately, as soon as she deemed I was old enough, some part of her decided she could take out all her misfortune on me.
In her anger, which was often during 2004-2011, she would scream out curses on individuals like it was a game; this is no game, and to be honest, at this moment, I sense my body may be in the process of dying. I know in the past my mother has displayed great resentment toward me, screaming and bellowing at me about the slightest thing, trivialities. She does not seem to understand that all that negative energy gives unseen entities permission to interfere with the person being focused on; or maybe she does understand that?
From an Islamic perspective it can be said, I experienced ‘Evil eye’ directly from my own mother. I was told a couple of times in my twenties by a friend and a boyfriend that, ‘Your mum is jealous of you, you know?’ but I had no knowledge at that time of the damage envy could do; I was young and still learning. Also, I loved my mum so deeply, up until I had Cara, that I only managed to ‘disconnect’ from her (cut cording’s) at around the age of 31/32 years old. My 30th year was in 2007.
I made every effort to be a good daughter; caring, kind and helpful; but whatever I did, after the age of 20, was never enough. By the time I was 25 though I did realise my mother had to find her own happiness, her sorrow was not something within my power to mend.
What was my possession like?
Before I talk about what the phenomena of possession felt like I will just briefly talk about the immediate preceding events. One big feature of my 20’s was loneliness. It can be said that my continued extreme feelings of loneliness the years was like a cry of sadness that unseen entities became aware of; I think they were hovering near by me for a long time. I I had managed to lose contact with all of my friends and found that work and my boyfriend at the time was a saving grace. I think many women will agree, however, that you do not want to be or communicate with your boyfriend constantly and it is beneficial for both of you to have your own friends.
I would say that between the ages of twenty-four and thirty I would often go into my local church, feeling very sad and look at the stained glass windows asking God, - why he had abounded me? Why I had to be on Earth (I wanted to go back to him); I constantly begged for a sign of his existence and often wondered, well, how do I pray to the creator of everything? Along-side this would be requests to find my sister and other friends I had lost along the way.
What was my possession like? Let me try and explain the unexplainable!...
Going back to the initial day I really remember, waking up one morning, sometime in August 2004 feeling like my head was on fast spin. I remember sitting at my kitchen table with my head in my left hand, cup of tea in the other, feeling like the left side of my brain was falling out of my head! I recall touching my head and thinking, ‘no my brain is still inside the skull.’ At that point I began to feel compelled to harm my baby daughter who was about 5 months old. This was terrifying and sometimes I would just be frozen in a corner for a minute or two. Another word I could use at that time for the state of my mind was confusion. I experienced a lack of clear thinking and massive amounts of anxiety, although I had just about enough brain power left to do the basics for my daughter, in God’s grace.
So, from there on I always felt very, very, unwell. After a time the tension in your mind, fear based thoughts, transfers into parts of your body like the shoulders and back, and I often had a slight head ache on the right side. So, if you have had a similar experience you will know that after a while life can seem surreal, I felt like the walking-dead, encompassed in fear and sometimes sorrow. You are so unbalanced and in a struggle to control your movements, this battle of wills can feel oppressive and very tiring. However, no amount of words will explain this phenomenon; either you have been possessed or you haven’t.
Unfortunately, I did not realise I was possessed straight away so suffered for years with diagnosis of depression and later schizo-effective disorder. The pills I was given had an effect of suppressing the symptoms for a time and allowed me to function to a certain degree. However, I never felt like Aretha, like me, because my mind was never clear… or you can say my speed of thinking was impaired and as time passed my memory function became nill, to the point that during 2007 onwards I realised I was not making many appointments, I would always forget, so I began to always use ‘post it notes’ and reminders on my phone.
How I became aware of the separate (possessing) entity/s...
Moving on, between August 2004 and to around April 2012 I felt ill. After an experience at church in which I became very angry at myself/my behaviour, I beseeched God for his help. By the next morning I felt something like a breeze leave the right side of my brain and then I felt my soul twinkle back over into its’ rightful place! What a bloody cheek. So, in this moment I realised, no, I did not have brain damage or a thyroid problem, this was another spirit that had been messing with me. After this I also realised that God is the only real source of assistance; people in my past have often left me high and dry, be they family, friends or professionals, so this was an exciting revelation for me and liberating. I was interested in Brahma Kumaris for a while and this idea is also acknowledged there. God is the only constant, and the religion of Islam gave me clear instruction on how to connect with him.
References and other sources of information:
The Glorious Qur’an An Explanatory translation, by M.M Pickthall, first print 2004, IDCI
The Jinn and Human Sickness By Dr. Abu’l-Mundhir Khaleel ibn Ibraaheem Ameen, 2005, Darussalam
Hostage to the Devil: The possession and exorcism of five contemporary Americans, 1992, Harper One. (from a Catholic perspective)
Glimpses of the Devil, by Scott Peck
Spirit Release: A practical handbook, by Sue Allen, 2007, John Hunt Publishing. (Informative but I personally did not find it to be a ‘practical guide.’)
I can rejig this into a short story; islolation, pregancy, possession, paradigm shift, fight for survival (they are still after me now), getting MY life back. Let me know.