I'm A Bit Scared Of Myself

by Jessica
(New York, US)

This is more of a call for help rather than a story...

It only started recently, but I think it might have happened when I was little too. I've started to feel feverish lately, but I don't understand why. My mother says I'm fine and so do all the doctors (two normal physicians and one psychologist). I'm always sleepy during the day, but as soon as night hits and I'm in contact with moonlight, I get hyper and silly, almost as if I was high on a drug. To get me to go to sleep, we put in really good shades that don't let any moonlight in. My eyes have gotten exceedingly sensitive to light, and sunlight or other bright lights strain my eyes tremendously. I often have to wear sunglasses in the light. (Heck, looking at my computer screen is killing me, and I have it on the lowest brightness setting.)

When traveling outside I feel extremely fatigued once I get back inside. I get headaches often when things are too bright. I'm not compelled to go outside at all, but I end up having to go to the beach a lot. I never get sunburned, but I get sick and fatigued. I like it best when the ocean water is freezing cold, because it helps wake me up and make me less sick.

All of these things pale in comparison to what makes me really scared of myself...

I've been starting to suffer from severe bloodlust, especially when I get really tired. I sometimes have extreme headaches accompanying it. I feel as if I'm gonna die if I don't drink. Usually blood from my own body can stop it. (I'm not really a cutter, a slice on the side my pinky is where most of the blood comes from.) But sometimes when I'm with friends I felt like I wanted their blood instead, and my voice (more on that in the next paragraph) told me that it was okay. That I should do it. ("They're going to be useless anyways, just do it." She'd say)

My voice:

My doctor says it might just be paranoia, and that I should take some medicine that they would prescribe, but I always refuse, because I don't feel like I'm insane and the side effects might be more than getting rid of the voice might be worth. I have a female voice inside my head that often talks to me, although sometimes she speaks nonsense. (Like 'hole over head' what the hell's that supposed to mean?!) She usually gives me useful advice, like tidbits of information or facts, even the answers to questions on a test! Sometimes we make idle chat, or she tells me our milk has gone sour. (And she's correct) But when I get urges to drink blood, she often acts an an anti-conscience justifying my desire to drink, instead of telling me how wrong it is and to stop.

I'm scared that my control might slip and I might hurt someone, but I'm also curious about it.

I don't wanna hurt someone, can someone tell me what's wrong with me?

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